Detail from Dirty Laundry by Jamie Heiden, copyright J. Heiden Photography
Detail from Dirty Laundry by Jamie Heiden

Paul Hanson Clark

the moment when most of us started to care abt the earthquake

the poet chris abani just called us all motherfuckers
you should always start w/ other people
a reminder that most early photography was of the dead
people made drawings in train cars that transported them to auschwitz
it wasn't night, even when the darkness came
you drop your ice cream cone in the sand & decide nobody loves you
they say it's the iron in the blood that resists transformation
chekhov's play uncle vanya: no grand change has happened, so we ask, "what's the point?" signaling our own revolution has begun
your suffering means something only insofar as it allows other people to connect with you
if yr not vulnerable, yr david blaine
you're special because maybe you are special, as a person, you're kind, you're gentle
i remember, as chris abani reads a poem by yusef komunyakaa, the time eva called & told me she was in washington dc & had just looked at the name KENDALL CLARK on the vietnam wall
once someone on a basketball message board talked shit on the vietnam wall & i started to sweat
like sand slipping through my fingers, these are the days of our lives
a soap opera i used to watch in my grandma's living room
a plot abt a character, marlena, being possessed by the devil
sitting at my grandma's house, staying up, watching dave letterman, eating ice cream
the first thing i looked up on the internet was a list of top 10 lists
i told her i liked ginger snap cookies & we learned how to make them
we played rummy, gin rummy, rummikub
you can never leave vietnam, abani just said
the names stay on the wall but the dead remain dead
she isn't dead, she's in good health, but sometimes doesn't recognize my mom, tells her to leave, says she doesn't want a strange man in her house
why won't she die? why can i see all the sadness so clearly now?
i remember the 1st inkling
watching a nebraska game at randalyn's house, i decided to call my grandma, & she seemed confused, like talking to me was strange & mysterious
if you google "black stone" you'll be surprised what kind of things are associated
again, i'm depending on light to make a difference
i used to say "i'm a prophet" but i'm flesh. my clouded reflection eyes me.

every dim light

even tho i am mindful of my steps i am the opposite of buddha
my heart is untrue i am eating an old chewy twizzler
the sky has been wet for days
my friends want to die
the president is dropping bombs
people are fighting on the internet
someone in this bar is singing abt the three fates
last night i felt this strange something listening to bill withers sing "we all need somebody to lean on"
annette said "i love you" and i said "i love you too"
the singer said "this is a good song for banishing dark forces"
there's one fate that starts the thread of life, one that decides how long the thread should be, and one that cuts the thread
you don't want to fuck with the three fates
in our heart buckets light can be carried just like water
another urge to touch the computer in my pocket = motherfuckin pollution
the sky is polluted so why shouldn't my brain be?
something abt pesticide and other bad shit being in the mix
i want us to destroy the pyramids
the pharaoh saying "i am god" = countless slaves
thirst must be a terrible way to die
my dream last night had to do with two giant structures
in my sleeping mind i've never taken the form of a starchild exploring dark parts of the universe hearing the echoes of emptiness
a billion billion lives gone by, washing over my face
the bitter bitter air
love and affection amongst friends
but i live inside a mountain of brick walls & do not know how to tear a mountain down
do children still learn abt chicken little? is that story crypto-fascist brainwashing? is every story?
will i go to federal prison if i get caught with a bald eagle feather?
is a painting of a tree the same thing as a tree?
i could never cry with other eyes watching, similar to having a really hard time pissing around other boys
i'm next to a man wearing a broncos hat, an unending truth
teal just said "cheers"
boxes can be filled with things or they can be empty, folded up, placed somewhere
a fire will burn a building to the ground :( but more common is a building being destroyed so some motherfucker can have more $$$
i'm tired of laws / they aren't fair / it's annoying
the name of this song is accident
edward snowden is more popular than the president, more popular than every member of congress
i would love to listen to david cross's favorite albums to listen to while stoned
i like the way bros from southern california sound like bradley nowell
i remember the movie where colin hanks tries to be kevin klein's protege & jack black starts a fire in an elite university "i'm gna take my pants off & start the revolution!!!"
maybe beans were an early musical instrument
i'm not sure what else to say, what corner of earth to cross my long dumb legs
france is far away but i've been there before
dancing in the street is old but i've heard it many many times
it doesn't matter what you wear / as long as you are there
i feel like i'm fucking up but i'm not fucking up i'm doing okay
i'm kind in a way that matters in a small way
are you happy with your performance? is life a natural art? is it normal to be an artist?
do our voices beautifully veer into true oceans?
i've got a maggot in my hand, a maggot in my head
i hope it's just a phase i didn't do anything
all i ever wanted was to escape the parts of school that made me feel fuckin miserable
i've got a maggot in my heart everything is colors bleeding
i'm compelled alone alive waiting to take the weight off my shoulders
the word "conquistador"
the word "hell"
the phrase "deep fried"
i'm losing my grip trying on new blah blah blah
justin told me he was doing a lot of molly & felt happy but knew he didn't really feel happy he was just high on some drug & that made him sad
i said "what does being medicated feel like?" & was told something abt mind control, something abt being functional
it's hard to understand but the dirt of yr hand can start me crying
it makes me sad that my parents won't be there when i'm dying
it all makes me feel rather damn lonely to be quite honest
i'm not sure how to say bye to my friend or i love you to myself or i hate you to my other friend or i'm sorry or tell me abt yr life
fact is: i don't know how to say anything
neon green is soothing
so are the green leaves that cover the earth
oxygen and whatnot becoming less a thing
we're a relic of what happens when the sun dries something
they gave harry nillsson a fuckload of $$$ cuz a coked out john lennon said so
every documenatry is a really dumb version of a book made so dumb americans don't have to read or think
fuck you al gore
josef stalin was a killer but yr hand is bloody too
my hand is bloody
there's blood everywhere
get it off of me
let the sun ride into me
tonight's the night all systems fail